The star cluster evolution code Evolve Me A Cluster of StarS (EMACSS) is a simple yet physically motivated computational model that describes the evolution of some fundamental properties of star clusters in static tidal fields. The prescription is based upon the flow of energy within the cluster, which is a constant fraction of the total energy per half-mass relaxation time. According to Henon's predictions, this flow is independent of the precise mechanisms for energy production within the core, and therefore does not require a complete description of the many-body interactions therein. Dynamical theory and analytic descriptions of escape mechanisms is used to construct a series of coupled differential equations expressing the time evolution of cluster mass and radius for a cluster of equal-mass stars. These equations are numerically solved using a fourth-order Runge-Kutta integration kernel; the results were benchmarked against a data base of direct N-body simulations. EMACSS is publicly available and reproduces the N-body results to within ~10 per cent accuracy for the entire post-collapse evolution of star clusters.